There was a millisecond when I woke up that was ok. I was out of my nightmare. Phew. But then, like a freight train, BOOM! Depression.
It hit hard and it hurt. I lay my head back down. Ouch. Right. Where did that millisecond go? Remember that? Those were good times!
I spent about 40 minutes telling myself to get up. Reminding myself that I can get up, there is no physical reason that I cannot get up. Little M was trying to engage with me, tempting me out with my chocolate advent calendar and I just kept silently encouraging myself ‘get up get up get up get up’. And, eventually, I did.
It was just Little M and I so I put huge amounts of energy into staying present through the cloud of dog fart that is depression. It was bad enough that I decided that I’d need my emergency lorazepam…however… I knew that I can’t run after taking lorazepam, my legs just won’t do it. So, I used ice packs to help reduce the physical anxiety sensations and herbal teas to help stay present. We played Lego on the floor which was nice actually. I ignored gravity pulling me down, urging me to lie horizontally.
Then B was back and I could go for my run.
Just a mile. That’s all I’d said; at least a mile for 12 days straight. Mentally I sketched out a route that would allow me to go a little further if I wanted.
Then, I was OUT THE DOOR!
It was a beautiful morning. My legs caught on to what was happening quite quickly and were up for it. My Primark trousers kept slipping down though! Annoying! Everyone I passed smiled and said good morning. It felt absolutely bloody brilliant.
- I was not in bed
- I was outside in the world, with people!
- It was sunny
- My body was working as it should
- I was acknowledged as existing
- I was in control of me
- I was fighting back (and this does wonders for self-belief)
In the end I did a little over 2 miles and bounded home. The words in my head were WOW! And AMAZING! A slight wobble when I realised that I was so happy I wanted to cry…ALERT! BPD mood swings!!! Going too high! Bring it back, calm down. A bit of mindful breathing settled me into feeling good, stable good, acceptable good.
For the rest of the day I functioned and adulted – I built a chuffing playmobil hospital I mean I deserve some sort of qualification after that! Throughout the day I was aware of being a little distant – trying to protect my good mood. As time passed the good feelings wore off. By tea time things were certainly challenging again but it was still better than it had been pre-run and I could accept this because I’d achieved stuff. The girl done good.
I did not take my lorazepam.