I’m having a bad night. I wanted to share it as I don’t want this blog to just be shiny happy work hard, make progress, win medals. That’d be false.
It started with shaking. I don’t know why that happened. I don’t think there was any trigger – other than me being happy from a really genuinely lovely day. Then I was dizzy and that feeling of rising panic accompanied it. I thought it might be blood sugar but it wasn’t. Then I was cold. So, so cold. Tired? No, exhausted. Speech starting to slow and develop pauses. Nausea. My own thoughts being exceptionally cruel to me full of unhelpful suggestions. Dissociation. That helps distance me from my own thoughts, like hanging up the phone on my brain. It doesn’t work fully but it helps to turn down the volume.
Volume: my ears are ringing. It’s so quiet but my mind hears screams. Block it out. D’y know what’s doubly weird? I can observe this happening to me and try and rationalise it to manage it correctly but I think it’s a bit like drunk driving…hopefully you get to the right place with minimum destruction*.
It’s probably just tiredness. I’ve been having a really busy (but great!) Christmas holidays so I’m going to sleep. I’m hoping that maybe it might be restful rather than plagued with the vivid dreams of late (of always really).
I’ve done well writing this but I find writing easy. I would struggle to speak right now, like literally I would find it hard to operate my mouth. Weird innit?
All I can think about is the bell in the bell jar experiment I used to teach. The bell is still ringing violently but there is no sound (cos of the vacuum in the jar – no particles to carry the sound vibrations). But it’s still ringing. Ringing.
Ok quetiapine and I am out. (Hopefully)
*Please don’t ever drink drive. I never have. It’s a very stupid thing to do. It’s just an analogy.