Good day yesterday. Incredibly proud of my friend who came and walked her first parkrun. I felt very lucky to share that experience with her.
Anyway, as predictable as gravity, after a good day comes a bad. Well, actually another bad night came first. I’m plagued with cold sweats at the moment (I’m not sure if they’re connected to my nightmares). I wake up soaked through and freezing. I’m going to sleep on towels tonight, hopefully that’ll make it easier. I digress…
Today is a black dog day. I feel foolish for being positive, like I’m a fraud. I should give up on everything. I struggled hugely with my youngest for the few hours I had her alone this morning and that then makes me hate myself more.
These dark days are nothing new so I know to look after myself, practise a bit of self-compassion and acknowledge the thoughts. They’re there. That’s ok. I wanted to run. Not outdoors, that felt too scary, too exposing. I imagined that everyone I passed would see right through me and sneer at my fakeness. Instead I actually fancied a bit of the treadmill; just me in my own little zone, running but staying still. I couldn’t go though. It just wasn’t going to work out and I thought you know what? I love running, I really do but sometimes I wish the thing that worked for me was a little easier.
Running involves changing clothes for a start. Then there’s the actual running – that’s pretty hard work but that’s the good bit. Then there’s the stretching, the need to get changed again. Possibly a shower. All of that stuff. So much to do. Too much to do. Running is awesome but I could do with a backup that’s a little…easier?
During black dog days I try and plan the next day hoping that the dog fart cloud of depression doesn’t hang about. I can also see that this is a pattern: good day/bad day. I should aim to work with that but it’s so tiring, the constant noticing, analysing and then trying to put solutions in place and it’s all invisible. All up in my head. Sometimes you just wonder why bother? Is anyone actually arsed? Well, yes, I do know it’s all worth it but it’s a black dog day and sometimes I just can’t outrun him. I just can’t. Sometimes I just have to accept that, whilst, being very glad that at least I want to try.
I will try again tomorrow.