“I was totally fine”. My eyes were wet as I held back tears. I explained to my husband, “when I wear my running stuff I feel safe. It’s like my armour.” I had just returned from a 5.6km run (the .6 is very important – you know it fellow runner). A run alone in the dark. I ran because I wanted to. I ran because I could. It wasn’t part of any training plan. I just really wanted to run.
Safety first obviously so I had been wearing a ridiculous amount of reflective gear along with a light up flashing armband. Hello! Coming through! All I needed was a siren and I’m pretty sure I could have parted traffic. I didn’t wear headphones to allow me to focus fully on my surroundings. I could notice the sounds and the smells. Running in the dark smells differently to running in the daytime. It totally does! I swear!!! Anyway I arrived home, flopped on the sofa (no stretching – naughty!) and launched into that post-run yabbering away thing. You know where you discuss each step in great detail? …so then I saw this…then I was wondering that…and I felt like…etc etc. It was during this conversation that the husband asked me if I had been ok running alone in the dark. I already knew the answer to this as I’d been pondering it during the run; yes. Yes I felt fine. Not afraid.
I started to explain to him and found myself choking back tears. “When I wear my running stuff I feel safe. My running gear is like my armour”. I was feeling intense, yet different, emotions simultaneously. This is why Borderline Personality Disorder is also called Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder (EUPD). Emotionally unstable? Yeah, just a bit!
Part of me was bursting with happiness and pride (remember extreme emotions so very happy = tears). I was just so pleased by Runner Kate’s achievements and, seeing as I am Runner Kate, I guess that meant my own achievements. Cool.
Don’t get me wrong I still feel fear when Lycra clad. The difference is that the fear doesn’t overwhelm me, it doesn’t stop me from functioning, I can work through it. That’s Runner Kate. I like her. Oh my god I like something about myself. That’s huge.
So, when I put my running stuff on, it brings out the good things that already exist within me, they just need a bit of help to show themselves. In my running gear I feel stronger, I feel powerful, I feel like the person I want to be. Undoubtedly my running kit is my armour. It is not a costume, I am not pretending to be someone I am not. The Lycra me is the real me. Now, I wonder if I can convince the husband that I need some more???
PS I ain’t going to lie; this is the second time I wrote this post. The first one completely disappeared and it was better than this version but suck it up people! WordPress crashes – yargh!!!