I Feel So Sad

I feel so sad.

I don’t want to get up. The husband and the kids are out. I heard the dog barking in the kitchen. I don’t care. She’s fine. She needs a walk though. How am I going to do that? I’m so tired. It feels impossible.

I could stay in bed all day. My husband wouldn’t question it. He’s forever telling me to rest, afraid that my mental health will seriously plummet I suppose. I am tired. No one would miss me really would they? I mean, if I stayed in bed all day who cares? No one. No one cares. 

But I can’t stay in bed all day. I know that it is depression telling me to do that. I want to agree with depression; to stay here. Oh god I want that so much but I know that depression lies. I hate battling my head like this. I am so sad that it physically hurts. Sometimes the sadness is about equivalent to what people feel at a bereavement. Controversial opinion, I know but I know this. I’ve seen their sadness, grief and heartache. I’ve lost people I love too, of course, and even then that grief hasn’t been as strong as this sadness. Overwhelming and heavy. 

I have nothing to be sad about.

So, with the knowledge that depression lies, that I need to run 17 miles in 3 days to achieve my 75 mile January challenge, that there is peanut butter downstairs, that I can do this, that my family love me, and that my dog is adorable, I will get up.

My daughters’ drawings that I see from my bed. They remind me of what I have and encourage me to fight for it
Maybe I will shake off this sadness, or maybe it might lessen, or maybe my mood will flip into hyper as it can do. I don’t know but I do know that I have to get up and I will run today. Depression, you’ll either have to come with me or go away but  I am calling the shots, not you.

3 thoughts on “I Feel So Sad

  1. I so could have written this. I have a condition called PMDD, depression is one of the many symptoms. I totally feel what you are saying. At this moment in time, i am sitting on the sofa ( made it downstairs) fighting with myself to move, to go back upstairs and get changed to go out and run. Running is good for me i know this, i love how i feel when i run, the clearness of my mind, the lack of thoughts and worry. Yet depression tells me, im, like you, so very tired, tired of life, tired of trying, tired of fighting myself mentally, constantly. My condition has suicidal thoughts as a symptom, and sometimes i do think to myself itd be easier to just not exist anymore.( i should stress these are only thoughts, i have no intention of commiting suicide ) And i fight with myself about these thoughts, i tell myself how stupid i am to even think these things.

    Interesting that you say you can fliip into a hyper mood. I also get this. In fact for me it is one of the signs that my hormones are at work and what goes up must come down. I will be totally overly entusiastic about everything, speak fast and be totally random in my actions. It usually lasts for about a day. Funnily enough, I tend to do my best runs on these days😀

    Luckily or not ? for me, my condition runs alongside my period, so for about a week each month, i am free of these symptoms. Then the cycle continues for the next 3 weeks. I am living in hell

    Over time, and through reading a book ( not a plug ) called underneath the lemon tree, which gave me many pointers, i have learned to notice the signs that things are getting darker, going downhill. I am trusted by my doctor to double my meds when this happens and i force myself through it. 😀

    You have inspired me to write this, i feel how you feel, lets beat this, lets run for our lives… 😀 Lets go now.

    Like

    1. Thank you for sharing that. There’s a lot to be said for solidarity. It’s worth us keeping trying and it can help just getting that nudge to remind us that things can be better – it’s just not going to be easy! x

      Like

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