Last night a series of coincidences occurred which saw me really struggling with my complex PTSD (cPTSD). Like, really struggling. I’ve woken up this morning as I always do after an event like that, feeling hungover. Not physically, although I do physically feel a bit bruised! No, it’s the mental shame; that –oh-my-god-what-did-I-do-what-did-I-say feeling of panic. The shame of panicking and losing control. I told people how I felt. God, how awful. I messaged friends and I tweeted and I feel absolutely horrendous about it.
I feel exposed and ridiculous so I’m doing opposite action (a DBT skill). Instead of cowering in shame I’m writing a blog post. I’m accepting that last night I went through something really difficult and frightening and I managed it ok, actually! Yes, I got in contact with people when I was struggling and yes I used food as a strange sort of self punishment but, let me tell you, in the grand scheme of things that is A-ok.
Now on to today. Here, now, March 2018. I’d like to take my daughter roller skating today. We’ve never been. I used to love it. I’ve had a lovely breakfast.My son also has his final drum lesson before his exam tomorrow. Ironically the husband actually is hungover! He was out last night which was one of the triggers. On its own that was ok, it was the series of other coincidences that then occurred to cause the trouble for me – mini beast from the east I’m looking at you! Blast from the past more like.
One day I might explain what ‘struggling’ means, what it feels like, what happens to me when my PTSD really kicks in, when I mentally and emotionally time travel. But not today. Today is for today and I want to get my skates on.