Last night a series of coincidences occurred which saw me really struggling with my complex PTSD (cPTSD). Like, really struggling. I’ve woken up this morning as I always do after an event like that, feeling hungover. Not physically, although I do physically feel a bit bruised! No, it’s the mental shame; that –oh-my-god-what-did-I-do-what-did-I-say feeling of panic. The shame of panicking and losing control. I told people how I felt. God, how awful. I messaged friends and I tweeted and I feel absolutely horrendous about it.
I feel exposed and ridiculous so I’m doing opposite action (a DBT skill). Instead of cowering in shame I’m writing a blog post. I’m accepting that last night I went through something really difficult and frightening and I managed it ok, actually! Yes, I got in contact with people when I was struggling and yes I used food as a strange sort of self punishment but, let me tell you, in the grand scheme of things that is A-ok.
Now on to today. Here, now, March 2018. I’d like to take my daughter roller skating today. We’ve never been. I used to love it. I’ve had a lovely breakfast.
One day I might explain what ‘struggling’ means, what it feels like, what happens to me when my PTSD really kicks in, when I mentally and emotionally time travel. But not today. Today is for today and I want to get my skates on.
Trauma is so tough to deal with and putting yourself out there isn’t easy. Amazing!
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Hugs. Bad days with C-PTSD suck.
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