Oh Dear I’m Dissociating

Life has got a little bit stressy round here at the moment. Nothing too bad; worries about husband’s job; uncertainties with having our house on the market; and the every day bits of school letters, insurance policies requiring renewal, you know – just the regular stuff.

Unfortunately this has overwhelmed my brain and…….


Nothing.

Numb.

The feeling of being in a dream, of questioning what is real. The nothing is frightening. My world looks familiar yet is strange to me. What am I doing here? My body feels physically numb too. Paranoid and panicked thoughts begin in this alternate reality. I stand in the post office queue looking at the security camera. I stare at it. Really stare. I have ideas about that camera. I know those ideas are fantasy but when I’m dissociating the line between likely and impossible gets very blurred.

As my paranoid thoughts increase I find the numbness interrupted by fear. I feel very scared and lost in this world. I know this world but it all feels different. I look fine. I pick up my children and have conversations but I am not fine. I know what I’m supposed to do so I do that (make conversation, collect kids, cook dinner) whilst trying to stifle my confusion.

In the end I take a lorazepam because my distress is escalating. I’m worried about where my thoughts could go unchecked.

After dinner I try and write in my therapy book about this experience but there’s too much to write so I choose to stare into space. It’s no big deal. I’ve managed to write this. It’s taken 40 minutes but I’m feeling a lot better and mostly won’t even remember this.

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