I’m into SMART targets (Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Realistic, Timely – thanks to my days in the corporate pharmaceutical world). One of the many great things about running is that I can set myself SMART targets and that really works for me. I have two running targets in May, both are virtual races. The first is to run 100 miles in the month ( with Race At Your Pace) and the 2nd to run the marathon distance of 26.2 miles over 10 days (through See York Run York). These are both SMART targets.
I think I’m going to fail them both.
FAIL. FAIL. FAIL.
Failure is a funny thing with me. Like, I feel like a general failure at life pretty much all the time but it is very rare that I actually, officially, do not achieve, quit, FAIL (I wish I could put it in bigger more dramatic letters but the app doesn’t allow).
I don’t know what to do with myself.
Now, all is not lost. To achieve my 100 mile target I could run 4.5 miles every day and that should, should be achievable. To finish my 10 day marathon I need to run 7 Miles in 3 days. That should be achievable too. Should be.
Honestly I just don’t feel that I can do it. Gulp. Very hard thing to write.
I’m exhausted. Life has gotten a tad stressy round here. We decided to put our house on the market and the same day husband was told that he will most likely be losing his job to redundancy. Stress for anyone. Chuck my mental difficulties on top and I feel a bit like I’m clinging on to the edge. My anxiety is doing crazy things. My shakes! Argh my shakes! I really dislike using my ‘emergency’ top up medication but I’ve had no choice. Use it (the meds) or lose it (my mind). Physically my body is really not happy with me. My night sweats are pretty bad (no, it’s really not just the warm weather). My limbs feel rigid. When I run it feels like concrete in my trainers. I did a very slow and easy two miles the other night and nearly fainted; my head was pounding and faint, my hands were shaking, my breathing was fine but I was so weak.
I’ve had some problematic physical symptoms for a while now and, as such, I did visit my GP and had a blood test about 5 weeks ago. Everything looked fine except my iron stores which were too low – not anaemic – yet. There was a low white cell thing too so I was told to have another test in a month, which I went for yesterday. In the meantime I’ve been trying to increase my iron. I’ve been anaemic before so I know the score on that front.
But still I feel awful.
It seems pointless talking to anyone as people usually diminish what I’m saying (the reason it took so long for my BPD and cPTSD to be discovered because everyone feels like that! No, you really, really don’t).
So, I’m not giving up. That’s 100% not me. However I have a personal responsibility to keep well. I have children and a husband who need me. It’s really difficult.
Can I? Should I?
I just don’t know.
But I’m tired. So very, very tired.