What’s Worse?

I don’t know what’s worse: having Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder or knowing that I do.

In the days ‘before’ I could soothe myself with alcohol or shopping – any type of adventure would do. I’d react to my emotions by doing something. Now when I feel my anger or depression I know that they are often emotional over reactions and it leaves me feeling lost. Yes I’ve done the DBT, I know all about distress tolerance or emotion regulation but sometimes I wish I didn’t. Sometimes I wish I could just have a day where I wasn’t judging the intensity of my emotions, where I wasn’t assessing their appropriateness, where I didn’t have to try and find a suitable action. All in my head. All by myself. If I wasn’t mentally unwell before then it sounds like I might send myself mad now.

Talking it through helps but can also be so frustrating. I never seem to be able to convey the gravity of how I’m feeling – like I could explode or disappear off the face of the earth… over nothing. It’s like trying to punch my way out of an invisible paper bag. 

Once upon a time I didn’t know that I had a personality disorder and that meant that when I felt angry or depressed it felt justified. It felt real.

Now my emotions don’t feel real, or at least not true. I’m always thinking what’s the emotion? Why am I feeling this? How should I manage this. Every goddamn day. 

I don’t miss my old lifestyle but sometimes, just sometimes, I miss the ignorance. Knowing what I know about myself now I wonder how I’ll ever get back to interacting  fully with the world again. How can I when I have this constant internal assessment dialogue? I don’t know. I just feel a bit (ok, very) crappy right now…but I’m not sure it’s even justified because, well, I have this personality disorder…

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