First Marathon: No What-ifs. I just can’t

I can’t run a marathon.

I can’t even run a 5k, well I couldn’t yesterday at parkrun.

My running confidence is through the floor at the minute. I know that I’m not alone and that the heat has zapped running mojos everywhere but it’s not that, it isn’t. My long ‘runs’ haven’t been long enough. I’ve yet to get over 13 miles. Why did I think I could do this?

I’m so stressed. My sleep is fitful and full of night sweats again. I think I’m grinding my teeth in the night as I’ve painful teeth, head and neck aches. The dentist did suggest a mouth guard but it’ll cost nearly £90 so I decided I’d be fine without. I didn’t get up until midday today (special mention to a very kind husband). I’m still tired though. Well it’s more than tired – fatigue seems like a good word. Then, on top of the physical, there’s the emotional. I feel so bloody sad, like the absolute depths and it’s more than the sad; it’s the black void that comes with it. Negative thoughts reverberate around in there, echoing all day. I’m guessing that’s a therapy side effect.

Today is a number 6. Less than ideal running conditions

I am drained. I have the guilts too – for sleeping in like that. How am I going to manage when B goes back to work? I’m worried but I’m going to have to brave face it I think. I can’t see another way. I just want to be a good mum, that’s all.

Back to running. I’ve taken it easy this week after the punishment that was the York 10K last week. However, one cannot escape that one is supposed to be running a marathon exactly 9 weeks today. One is not feeling optimistic.

I have a training plan which I like. It’s taken me a bit of tinkering to find something which I think suits me. Essentially I have a plan through the Nike Run Club app but have also looked at the London Marathon plan. I’ve taken the long run distances suggested in that plan and am running those as apart of my Nike plan. Make sense? Doesn’t really matter. I’m doing crap at it. I mean I was doing ok but then…as the runs got longer…I started to struggle more…and now? Now I’ve no confidence in my ability to get around 16 miles let alone 26 point 2 (everyone knows the point 2 is crazy important)

Today my plan was 13km. I just couldn’t. I did zero. So I finished off my easy week by doing nothing.

It all feels impossible. I’m hoping this is all a normal part of the first marathon training process. At the moment, I feel like in about a month I won’t even be able to run/walk 5km, that my progress is going backward, that by Christmas I’ll be back up to that 5 stone heavier person that I was before. My fears are about more than a decline in my running. I suppose, if I’m really honest, my real fear, my terror, is a decline in me.

Ugh, listen, the plan is still on. I’m trialling new zero drop shoes (Altra Paradigm 3.0), I’ve planned in some long runs with friends, I’m starting to look at nutrition stuff more seriously (upgraded to MyFitnessPal premium today) so it’s all still go go go…until I have to actually go go go and then it’s stop stop stop.

Plan says 14 miles tomorrow. I want to do that. I don’t want to do that.

We’ll see what happens.

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