Words are huge. The things we communicate take us down an endless number of paths. I remember once reading something that warned to be careful with words because once they have been said they can never be unsaid. 100 apologies and the delete button can’t erase the words once the have been received by another. When I write blog posts I do so carefully. I try and imagine how my words may be interpreted – impossible, of course, but I still try.
I try not to entangle others in my blog posts because I worry I don’t have any right to discuss them so publicly. I fear the comeback too. I don’t really have the strength to defend myself in an argument, I think.
However, I do not exist in isolation (despite my best efforts). I have all sorts of people in my life: friends, family, professionals, acquaintances, of course I do. I may not necessarily see them or spend time with them but social media means that my words flutter out there into the world. I don’t know who reads/hears what. I find that hard (which seems counterintuitive to a blogger, I know). I worry about the effect my words may have on others so I moderate myself. I expect we all do to an extent but I think I’m probably a bit extreme with it (Ha! Extreme? Me? Never!).
That’s all just preamble to my main point. Today I wrote some words which I considered important. I wrote this:
I grew up in a situation where I wished that someone would come and rescue me. That never happened and, many years later, I now struggle with complex PTSD and Borderline Personality Disorder attributed to my experiences from that time. Running is one of the ways that I manage these conditions and so it has evolved that I want to run the London Marathon for the NSPCC. I just want to help in a way that I can, and it helps me too.
Now that probably doesn’t sound like very much to you but to me it is huge. It’s on My JustGiving Page which is very public. Far more public than this blog. Very few people in my life read my blog, but my JustGiving page will most likely be seen by many family members. That frightens me. What will they think about what I’m saying? I mean I’m not going into detail but there I am, stating the obvious. That’s big people! Trust me, it is. Not avoiding or dodging but admitting that a troubled past has resulted in mental health problems.
I know it’s hardly a massive reveal but you’ll just have to trust me on the significance of those words. I suppose it’s where they are as much as anything. I’m openly saying something that I have been told I am not to talk about. It’s big. I hope it doesn’t blow up and bite me on the bum. If it does I hope I’m strong enough to stand by what I have said.
Words cannot be taken back.