Go oan lass! Get in there girl! And, by fuckitty fuck, I did and I felt so good. So FUCKING good!
I did a 5 mile trail run this morning. It’s one of my favourite runs: The York Yuletide Trail by See York Run York. I’d been looking forward to it. Even as I’ve recently been trudging through some pretty gnarly dark mental health stuff, I still looked forward to the run. I dress up as a elf for it. This in itself makes me feel better (a new one for the crisis team perhaps? ‘Have you tried dressing as elf?’ I shouldn’t joke, they bloody would!)
This year was going to be super muddy and usually I’m not a mud fan but I was excited by this even in the dark depths. I don’t know why. Maybe literally trudging through shit (cow by the way) was going to make a nice change from just doing it metaphorically (with the shit being life of course). I painted my nails people. I was going all in. I WILL BE AN ELF AGAIN!
The race is right on my doorstep so no transport worries. I go down there and run with my dog all the time. It’s somewhere I like to be.
Good, good, everything looking tip top…
And then this morning happened.
What?! What happened?! Sorry dear reader, nothing. Nope just me going ba-ba-batshit for no real reason. I struggled to open the front door as my hands were shaking so much… breathing? Am I breathing? Yes, right. Ok. I left the house arguing out loud with myself “I can’t do it. I can’t. Oh god. Yes you CAN Kate. Get a grip. I can’t”. I really didn’t think I could do the run and I was mightily pissed off with myself about this. Kate you absolute knobhead you’ve been looking forward to this (and you’re absolutely rocking the elf thing btw).
Oh yeah it was pissing down too. This was adding to my freakoutery …just like the Yorkshire Marathon…oh no…I’m going to get ill and fat and never run again… (Catastrophising. Do it right. Go big or go home). Fucking Raynauds. Stupid body. Stupid head. I really couldn’t pull out with being on my doorstep so I turned up whilst reassuring myself that maybe I’d still pull out and marshal.
I quickly saw my running buddy Amy. This was a good thing. Grounding. And she’s a good ‘un. I nodded a hello to some other folks worrying that I was being standoffish/rude. I gave the organiser Joni (another run bud – total name drop) a grimacing look which was supposed to say hi, how are you? This looks amazing. I’m not really feeling my best but you rock. I’m pretty sure she wouldn’t have got that from my lacklustre thumbs up.
Anyway the race started and I was at the back. Good. Easy to drop out BUT within the first 50m that running magic happened.
I started to feel good. I STARTED TO FEEL REALLY GOOD! What?!
Mud? Splash! Brilliant! I didn’t bother trying to go round – straight through baby. Through the shite. Do it!
The sight of several hundred runners enthusiastically dressed in Christmas gear thumping through mud in the bloody rain? Well it’s heart warming and good for the soul I tells you.
I felt happy with how I was running. The fact I was running at all was a victory. I caught up with different friends at various points and it was lovely. I’ve been feeling so isolated and trapped recently you can imagine what an incredible antidote running outside, with grass and trees, and the river and cows, and friends was. Honestly it was like good feeling filled my veins. I was happy. Really fucking happy and oh my god what a feeling. If you happen to be suffering at the minute as you read this then firstly I’m sorry to hear that, and secondly you can imagine how amazing getting that break is.
At the end I stuck about despite being freezing. I chatted to people. I had a coffee with Amy (whilst clutching a coffee with ‘the claw’)
and we were swaying to Christmas tunes in the mud in a field. I couldn’t have been happier. Good point to mention the cakes. See York Run York always have a bounty of amazing cakes for the runners at the end so yeah, I had some Victoria sponge AND an oat,ginger and dark chocolate cookie. Fabulous.
Eventually the cold got the better of me and I headed home. The high hasn’t gone. I’m tired yeah but normal tired. It can be sad getting to the end of a good day, I don’t know what moods tomorrow will bring. That’s why I’ve written this blog. I wanted to capture today fully. The change. What running did for me. How amazing it felt to have people to say hello to. Just the whole thing. The Yuletide Trail has delivered 2 years on the trot. It’s definitely one of my favourites. Thank you to all involved.
The only problem? That bugger Amy has gone and beaten me to signing up for next year!